Posted by: Christin H. | April 27, 2010

Demons

Last night I had dinner with a male friend from work. This is same male friend whom I have had a crush on since college and just barely got to know him in our old job before he moved to his current job. He is also the one that got me my current job in his department 6 months later. He’s a great guy and unfortunately is going thru a messy divorce due to his wife’s infidelity. No one deserves that as far as I’m concerned.
Either there has been some major shift in my brain waves in the last few years, or I’m really maturing. In college, there was no question that I would have already nailed this guy. He’s hott, and we have already expressed feelings of “like” for one another. Now, marriage, the prospect of kids, my house falling apart, trying to get into grad school, etc. I’m a little overwhelmed or underwhelmed or just whelmed. There are feelings that I seriously want to act on, but won’t because I know it is wrong to start an extra-marrital affair. While it may not sound like it now, I married Hubs because I love him. I continue to love him and there’s nothing he could ever do that would make me love him less than completely. But, some days, I wonder if I deserve the same from him.
Now, I don’t know how to act around my friend. I want to be there for him thru his divorce as a friend, but don’t want to give of the vibe that I would cheat on Hubs to make him feel better. That would make me no better than his soon-to-be ex-wife.
I don’t think that I’ve ever had a friendship with a straight male that didn’t eventually lead to feelings of lust and bad decisions. In the last 3-4 years I haven’t even had real friends in this area to speak of. Maybe that is the best thing for me. Maybe I’m just not the kind of person that can friends of the opposite sex. Which sucks because I find that males are so much more honest, more carefree and they have the best stories. And, I won’t lie, it feeds my ego to get the attention of being the only girl in a group.
Maybe thats the only problem here. Maybe I just need so much more attention to make myself feel good and validated and seeking out attention from the group that I know will give it to me. Are these latent daddy issues that I need addressed? Shit. This makes me feel like I have serious mental issues. I feel like a total whore for even THINKING about this.
Geez. I make such revelations just thinking thru this crap.

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